‘It’s such an embarrassment!’ Sophie ‘Habbs’ Habboo finally realised the horror of being Sam Thompson’s girlfriend. But only after he betrayed her on Made In Chelsea: Croatia, by Jim Shelley

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MIC has clearly been in decline for years – which is arguably an achievement considering it was full of non-entities to begin with.

The characters in the early series were never exactly classy – despite their ancestors – but had a certain snooty glamour and allure. Sadly, any traces of these were now also history (dead).

A simple detail on Made In Chelsea: Croatia provided stark, conclusive, proof of this and what a poor, pale, imitation, of its former ‘glory’ it had become.

Awful: MIC has clearly been in decline for years – which is arguably an achievement considering it was full of non-entities to begin with (Pictured Sophie 'Habbs' Habbooo')

Nothing could have been more damning or desperate than the caption for tonight’s big double date scene which listed the star names it featured were: ‘Jamie, Ell, Miles, and Tabitha.’

Phew! Hold me back! Or rather, who?!

It was hard to imagine MIC had ever shown a more anonymous, anodyne, quartet of characters. Veteran buffoon Jamie Laing looked like Marlon Brando next to the others.

You longed for someone – anyone – from the show’s heyday to still be in it: not necessarily MIC icons like Spencer Matthews and Lucy Watson (who had the sexual chemistry of Burton & Taylor by comparison). Suddenly, even Lucy Watson’s sister (whatever her name was) would have been a Godsend.

Uncouth: The characters in the early series were never exactly classy – despite their ancestors – but had a certain snooty glamour and allure. Sadly, any traces of these were now also history (dead); (Pictured Sam Thompson)

Woeful: Nothing could have been more damning or desperate than the caption for tonight’s big double date scene which listed the star names it featured were: ‘Jamie, Ell, Miles, and Tabitha’ (Pictured Jamie Laing and Ell Agostinelli)

In hindsight colossal dullards like Ryan ‘the Ry-Man’ Libbey, JP, Digby Digbertson III, or Alik Alfus seemed fascinating after all. (Well maybe not Alik.)

Episode Two made last week’s season debut look like a Quentin Tarantino film.

One couple split up having been together for one night (supposedly sharing one kiss) while Harry Baron was grilled by his girlfriend about one hour he spent with another woman in a bar not even in a hotel room.

As for the double date featuring Jamie & Ell plus Miles & Tabitha, if you can write down a single fact about more than one of these then you need some major life changes.

Ridiculous: Episode Two made last week’s season debut look like a Quentin Tarantino film. One couple split up having been together for one night (supposedly sharing one kiss) while Harry Baron (pictured) was grilled by his girlfriend about one hour he spent with another woman in a bar not even in a hotel room

Actually we did discover Miles had soft skin (according to Jamie) and ‘soft lips’ (according to Laing’s girlfriend Ell) - both of which were weird.

Jamie Laing’s jealousy about Ell’s friendship with Miles became so bad even Ell snapped: ‘this is just tedious now !’

Jamie was convinced Miles was trying to lure Ell away from him but couldn’t decide whether his nice guy act meant he was ‘some kind of an evil genius.’

‘No-one called Miles could ever be an evil genius!’ purred Mark-Francis.

Boring:  Jamie Laing’s jealousy about Ell’s friendship with Miles became so bad even Ell snapped: ‘this is just tedious now !’ (Pictured Jamie Laing and Ell Agostinelli)

As for the girls, the only interesting about watching Ell, Tabitha, Habbs, and Melissa was trying to work out exactly which one was the dullest.

You knew MIC had hit a new low when the most loved-up couple was Olivia and Digby, the most deadly boring, warring, pair in the previous series.

Elsewhere though there was trouble in paradise/the Dalmatian Islands for every other couple to some degree.

Ell showed how highly she valued being on the show (and with Jamie) by flying back to London for a modelling assignment.

Miles splitting up with Tabitha’s could hardly be called a break up given that they weren’t really together.

Pathetic: Miles splitting up with Tabitha’s could hardly be called a break up given that they weren’t really together

Harry hadn’t actually been ditched by Melissa (yet) but was in the dog house.

The way Melissa grilled Harry about his admission that ‘technically, theoretically,’ Sam’s allegation that he was spent an hour in Las Vegas with another girl was true was worthy of the Old Bailey.

‘How did you get to the bar?! How did she get to the bar?!’ demanded Melissa. ‘At what point did you make that decision to go for a drink?’

The night’s most impassioned split was actually between Sam and Harry, with Sam calling Harry ‘a f***ing w****r’, and storming off like a posh version of the Harry Enfield character Kevin the Teenager.

Drama:The night’s most impassioned split was actually between Sam and Harry, with Sam calling Harry ‘a f***ing w****r’, and storming off like a posh version of the Harry Enfield character Kevin the Teenager (Pictured Sam Thompson)

Sam was indignant about Harry betraying his confidence, admirably oblivious to the minor detail he had effectively cheated on Sophie ‘Habbs’ Habboo and then lied to her face about it.

‘Is that all you’re sorry for?’ Habbs checked after Sam sheepishly apologised for the tantrum and the denial.

‘Well…Yeah!’ he bumbled oafishly, still not realising having sex with someone else was the worse bit.

He even had the gall to protest and interrupt her when she blamed herself for thinking the way he had treated her meant he was ‘different’ to other men.

‘I feel like such an idiot!’ she bemoaned. ‘It’s so embarrassing!’

Liar: Sam was indignant about Harry betraying his confidence, admirably oblivious to the minor detail he had effectively cheated on Sophie ‘Habbs’ Habboo and then lied to her face about it (Pictured Sophie Habboo)

‘I’m sorry Habbs! I’m going to have to stop you there!’ Sammy spluttered preposterously, sounding/looking even more like Nigel Farage’s nephew than usual. ‘I’m not an arsehole. I’m a human !’

Debatable frankly.

Earlier we had seen Sam attentively putting suncream on for Habbs, tracing a shape on her back, and challenging her to work out what it was.

‘Penis!’ Habbs declared instantly.

At the time it sounded as if she was guessing he had drawn a classic, characteristically adolescent, outline.

In hindsight though perhaps it was her perfect one-word summary to described what a ***** he was.

Flirting? Earlier we had seen Sam attentively putting suncream on for Habbs, tracing a shape on her back, and challenging her to work out what it was