When Trump Was Your Age, He Had TWO WOODEN DOLLS, And They Both Looked Like His Mom
Remember to tell a MAGA child exactly who stole Christmas this year. God bless us, everyone!
Reminder: Donald Trump’s tariffs are the stupidest possible solution to a problem that only exists in the deepest crevasses of his diseased, non-functioning brain. The problem he’s trying to solve isn’t with the United States economy, or with our trade relations with other nations, at least not once you scratch the surface. Whoever infected him with whatever he thinks he knows about tariffs — probably a Russian spy in the 1980s if we had to guess — was smart enough to play on his own deeply personal, well-founded paranoia that everybody is laughing at him and thinks he is a dumbass. Donald Trump thinks he is America and America is Donald Trump, therefore Donald Trump projects his own clownish psychoses onto America.
So when Trump, on rare occasions, admits that his tariffs are going to hurt people, remember that this is entirely self-inflicted, that he’s hurting America by choice, to solve a “problem” that would be far better handled by a psychiatrist or by a livestock veterinarian of some sort.
Likewise, regarding Trump telling the kids he’s going to grab their Christmas dolls by the pussy and traffick them to El Salvador, remember that he’s doing it because he wants to.
Also remember that this is a tell that he fucking knows what his dumbass tariffs are going to do, even if he is so stupid he believes that eventually, miraculously everybody in the world will bend to his will and America will make manufacturing great again and American citizens will become indentured servants forced to manufacture and grow all the millions of things his broken brain cannot even conceive of that we currently import from other countries.
Cool 100 days message with all his polls showing that he’s approximately as popular as canned diarrhea.
Here’s what Trump actually said in the Oval Office during his everybody-lick-my-ass-like-I’m-Kim-Jong-un Cabinet meeting. He was responding to the clanging alarm bells being set off by, for instance, toy companies, suggesting that Trump might have literally already canceled Christmas for millions of people.
“You know, somebody said, ‘Oh, the shelves are going to be open,’” Mr. Trump said. “Well, maybe the children will have two dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know? And maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more than they would normally.”
You little shits have too many toys already anyway, said the president to the little children. Ooh, you should buy my crypto, though!
Griiiiiiiiiift!
Hey, here’s a fun game you can play if you’re waiting in line somewhere next to a MAGA family. Tell the children that Santa isn’t coming this year, and then tell them it’s because Donald Trump took it away. Merry Christmas, MAGA mommy and daddy!
The New York Times quotes Greg Ahearn, head of the Toy Association industry group, who says there’s a “frozen supply chain that is putting Christmas at risk.” He added, “If we don’t start production soon, there’s a high probability of a toy shortage this holiday season.”
Your mommy and daddy did that, MAGA children.
They note that fully 80 percent of all toys come from China, along with 90 percent of everything sold for Christmas in the US. They report that business owners who rely on Christmas are already contacting bankruptcy lawyers.
Right now, many of them are in what one called a holding pattern, because this is when they’re placing their Christmas orders, to have product in by later in the summer. They’re just praying Trump caves again on his idiot-ass trade war with China.
So here is what Trump’s recession looks like. Or maybe Trump’s depression. You’re only allowed two toys, little children. Unless you come from a family where two toys was already a luxury, in which case you’re getting coal, but that’s OK, because the president already didn’t think you were humans because you’re poor. But hey, maybe his Homeland Security Investigations terrorists will knock down your door on Christmas Eve and take away whatever you already do have, including maybe Mommy and/or Daddy and/or you!
It’ll be like a reverse Santa-Clausing, directly from the president!
Chris Hayes really captured what things are like now in this Bluesky post:
He’s referring to creepy try-hard upward-failing dumbfuck Howard Lutnick, one of the MAGA Cabinet members who actually has a physical face that says, “I am the stupidest white man you’ve ever met, and the way you know you’re in hell is because my broken brain gets to make decisions that affect your life!”
He’s the one who said the sicko thing about the MAGA fantasy of bringing back manufacturing, wherein “the army of millions and millions of human beings [will be] screwing in little- little screws to make iPhones, that kind of thing is going to come to America.” Aren’t we all excited? Isn’t that the American dream?
And can we briefly rant as an aside that part of the huge problem with our politics for the last 10 years is that Donald Trump has been lying to and mollycoddling Rust Belt sorts and others, people who tell Politico in Cletus Safaris that waaaaaaaaah, they don’t WANT to get retrained in new job skills, NOT JOB SKILLS OF THE FUTURE BUT JOB SKILLS OF FUCKING RIGHT NOW, because WAAAAAAAH their daddy made widgets and his daddy made widgets, why can’t he make widgets just like his daddy? (It’s always the men.)
And Trump lies and says, “There, there! We’re going to kick out all the immigrants I’m telling you to scapegoat for your problem, then we’re going to bring all the factories back, you’ll see!”
Meanwhile, Trump’s qualified Democratic opponent is over there talking about massive investments in education and training so these people are qualified to do the jobs of this century, and they stomp their feet and say NO! they want to live with DADDY! who’s bringing the factories BACK!
Well, here are Lutnick and Trump and the rest of the MAGA Nazis openly fantasizing about turning Americans into indentured laborers for their dumbass masturbation fantasies of reshoring all the manufacturing, ending global trade, and making modernity go away. Oh and also, you won’t be able to afford more than two dolls for your little kid this Christmas! Or probably much of any other kinds of Christmas gifts either!
(There are certain cases where it might be a good idea for America to get into the business of making X again, or having factories that build Y. Just like surgical tariffs with a real goal can be good from time to time! But this “reshore everything so that we make EVERYTHING, and so generations of people can work at the same factory,” that is stupid and in denial about the reality of the global economy in the year 2025.)
The US economy shrank in the first quarter for the first time since the pandemic, thanks to Trump’s stupid trade war.
Trump blamed it in his Cabinet meeting on Joe Biden. Somehow last year the booming stock market was thanks to Trump, but now that he’s had 100 days to skullfuck the US economy to death, it’s Joe Biden’s fault again.
He also said next quarter will be Joe Biden’s fault.
One-hundred days. That’s how long it took Trump to piss all over Joe Biden’s “envy of the world” post-pandemic economy and violently murder it to death.
Fuck that guy.
And remember to tell the little MAGA kiddies who stole Christmas!
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well, maybe when the Grinch's heart growns three times its size this year, it'll be a fucking coronary
That picture of Mary Trump makes me think of the citizens of the capitol in Hunger Games.